What Now

I think I've neglected this blog long enough. I mean, during the Spring and weeks leading up to Summer, I had so much inspiration, but now, I'm camera-less and I don't really know what to do with this blog. As of late, there has been a lot of venting, but I don't want this to be a place to discard all the bad stuff. I dislike being unhappy, because so much of my time is spent being optimistic, so I feel like sadness defeats the purpose of being happy.

Anyway, I never really meant for this to be solely a beauty blog. It just so happened that at the time I was really into fashion and make up, I still am, but now to a lesser degree. I started this blog to share things I like, document thoughts, and just talk about day-to-day things, mostly for future reference. I want to look back and see growth in myself: spiritually, emotionally, physically. Some wonderful things have been happening to me as of late, but unfortunately, the bad moments have overshadowed those things. It's time to start sharing and talking about them.

In the mean time, I'm going to do a make up tutorial this weekend. If you look at the first page of my blog, you see some make up looks. I think they are easy, and I use products that are a affordable. A few of them might be a little pricey, but they are good. I'm not sure how the tutorial itself will go, because I don't have one of those fancy $900 cameras (I'm going to use my webcam), but I hope, with good lighting, it will turn out decent.

I'm back, guys. Hello. What did I miss?

I just need to write something...
There is so much frustration in me right now. I feel like I'm going to burst. I do so much for people around me, but my actions are never appreciated or reciprocated. My mother is the one who is quick to say I'm selfish and self-centered, but I'm the one who is keeping everything together! I help her with her finances, I babysit, I clean, I sacrifice my time for self for her and the family but I'm always the bad guy. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it. But, I'm always trying to find ways to keep things together. Every time I say I'm done, guilt always bring me back. I don't know when to quit because I'm working with people who cause me so much pain, but we have that blood tie.

I'm tired for being blamed for things that have nothing to do with me. Anytime I need something, it's always a problem. The smallest things turn into an argument. If I'm standing a certain way it's a problem, if my facial expression is a certain way it's a problem. Everything is a problem. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I work, I get good grades, I haven't done anything to dishonor the name of my family. I haven't given them any reason to not be proud of me. Yet, the things I do go unappreciated.

Like right now, my mom just had one of her fits, and her anger wasn't directedt to the person who should have got it, instead, I get all of it.

Sometimes I just want to leave and not come back. I try so hard to remain positive and optimistic, but what's the good in trying so hard to improve things with people who are so uncaring.