Christmas Blues

I'm not in the Holiday spirit. Hopefully decorating will have me feeling better. I don't think we were going to do the whole get up this year, but it was feeling so drab yesterday that I decided to put up the tree.

A lot of people my age are dealing with horrible self-esteem. I know what that feels like. I used to compare myself to other women all the time. I learned about self-acceptance and progressed. I still have my unavoidable days when I'm not feeling the greatest about my physical self. However, I have come across women who have a downright unhealthy perception of their body. I try and reason with them but it doesn't soak through. I am not a professional, but I try my best. It's really bad when someone not only hates their body but their face. I don't know, man, but women who lack proper self-esteem turn into mothers who project their insecurities unto their daughters. It's a continuous cycle. I wish I knew how to combat this.

Setbacks

A week ago my dad left to Jamaica to oversee some work on the house that him and my momma are building. When I went to Jamaica a couple months ago, the house was well underway, taking shape, and evolving into what my parents envisioned, my dad especially. Early Friday morning my dad calls my mom and says that 25-30 bags of cement has been stolen from the foyer part of the house. My mom was of course devastated because they've both been putting a lot of money into the house. We don't know if it's one of the construction workers who tipped off the thieves, or if the thieves are one of the workers, or if they saw the materials when they were being unloaded. These men came during the night. When my dad and his family heard the ruckus when they were driving off, they signaled folks in the neighborhood to block the roads, but the thrives ended up taking a different route.

If all of that stress wasn't enough, the thieves came back last night hoping to steal more of the bags of cement. All the dogs in the neighborhood started barking and everyone woke up. Luckily, my dad boarded up the storage area this time. These thieves are determined. It's especially scary because my family's home house is literally a yard across from the construction site. These people are brazen and it's disgusting to think folks are willing to steal from their community.

My family is from a rural area and police is twenty five minutes away if you drive fast. Consequentially, folks are left to fend for themselves a lot. Thefts and robberies are nothing new to any part of Jamaica. Some of my people are downright violent. I pray that my dad stays safe and comes home soon. I've been trying to keep my mom calm because the slightest unwanted news sends her into a worrying frenzy, her blood pressure gets dangerously high and it's downhill from there. Im praying that God watches over my family, that the materials will be put to use quick, and everyone remains safe.

I came back from Jamaica Sunday night after spending six days there. My mom's sister-in-law passed away two weeks ago, so we went for the funeral proceedings. My trip was good. Jamaicans mourn differently, we celebrate the person's life, rather than cry.

I'm back in school. I've spent most of this week making up papers and starting up clubs and activities. Life is good, I can't complain.

YSL and Bantu knots

I've been researching Ayurveda a lot. I'm incorporating elements of it into my hair regimen and hopefully it will extend to wellness. I henna'd my hair yesterday and followed with an indigo treatment. After, I did a bantu knot-out.






I splurged on Yves Saint Laurent lipstick in fetish pink from their rouge volupte line. I've been really into lipsticks lately. My order got to my house extremely fast. It took two or three days at most with regular shipping.

Fashion Africana

Ankara Fabrics are so lovely. There's an African fabric store close to me, I see a altered Kaba (West African dress) in the near future

Good to have her (Felicia) as a friend.

Soon after my return from Toronto my internship ended.

Initially, my nerves were threatening to derail me when I started. I knew I had gotten the job out of all the applicants for a reason; my application, interview, resume, and essay was thorough, but I was still nervous after I accepted the offer. I was the prototype and I knew I had to set the bar high. I was participating in a program that was named after one of the oldest and most influential partners in the firm that had passed on. So after continuous cups of chamomile tea the first week, I became more self-assured.

The exposure, interactions, and work I have done over the last weeks have been invaluable to me. I now know that I don’t have to tie myself down to one thing, I can really do everything that interests me. This has truly been a great summer for opportunities, and I am without a doubt thankful for all of them.



My first time trying red velvet at my farewell party. So good.

Oh Toronto, How I Love Thee

I've been doing a horrible job updating, but my adventures are keeping me busy. I spent about five days in Toronto from July 27th to August 3, with a few hours in NYC. It was one of the highlight moments of my summer. The first time I went to Canada was back in 2003, and at that time I was too young to really appreciate the city at its surrounding areas. Caribana was even better than I thought it would be. It was even more fun because my cousin got us into the parade.

Toronto is such a refreshing difference compared to Connecticut. There is true diversity. I loved the restaurants, "street cars", people, and most of all the shopping. There stores are huge. They have two H&Ms in their downtown area, both are three floors. The thrift stores are lovely also (I got Levi's for $10). I can go on and on, but I'll end it here. i had a great time.

Sometimes my little adventures are all that's keeping me sane.

Tone, Tone, and more Toning

So I've lost even more weight, most due to being a vegetarian, and rest is attested to Zumba and my walking craze. However, I want to tone up, specifically my arms and stomach. I have my mother's thick arms, but I don't it's genetic (?). I tried on clothes for my trip, that I haven't worn since last year, and there's a noticeable difference. A lot of people have been telling I've lost weight for months, but my response has mostly been meh.

Now, I'm starting to see it's substantial. I'm going to need that same discipline that I used to transition to vegetarianism to go through with this. I was using my school's weight room to tone up, but I haven't been on campus for weeks, the gym hasn't seen me for more than a month and a half.

Needless to say, I now have a healthy body image. Now and again I might think, "Why does one boob look wayy larger than the other." Then, I remember, one breast is ALWAYS bigger than the other. Anyway, mission engaged.

The last three weeks have been dedicated to getting accustomed to work. In late May, I applied for an internship position at a law firm in my city. After later research, I found out that it was a large law firm on the East Coast. Anyway, after my essay and interview, I got the job. This well give me more insight into the practice of law, and whether I want to pursue the field. As soon as I was done with one internship, I started another.

I like work. It involves a lot of thinking, networking, and level-headedness. It's professional and constructed. However, the associates, partners, and staff are friendly and down-to-earth.

I have the usual; my own office, company phone, email, placard and the whole bit. I'm such a noob sometimes. I refuse to decorate my office with embarrassing pictures. lol, I'm really simple most times.

This Week In Review 13-18

This week has been so hectic, but it was all worth it. Graduation season was coming to a close; so in total, I attended four graduations. It was like a constant rotation of work, events, and graduation ceremonies, sometimes on the same day. I'm tired, but getting to see my friends and family happy has been worth it.





My final graduation, my own school's. I was one of the ushers for my school. It was great to see all my friends graduating. Here, I'm with some of my friends who attended and ushered.


A little Gardening with my mom.


At my bro's graduation, so proud of him!


I was a nominee for one of the awards given out by my agency. We had a lovely breakfast at The Farmington Club. This is me with the organization's Execs. "who are all those old guys you are posing with?" That's what my mom said, lol.




That same day. after work, I had to leave immediately and go to my best friend's graduation. So proud of her also.

Lastly, I can't forget one of my favorite cousins who graduated. She has been through so much this past year, and I'm really proud of her for sticking to it, and ending this phase of her educational career on a good note.

Great Week!

Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


When I first read "Left To Tell", I was only thirteen years old going on fourteen. One of my classmates gave it to me, so I thought why not. I could not put this book down. I was so totally and utterly engrossed that of my daily routines and ritualistic nuances became irrelevant. This story is about strength, forgiveness, and courage in the most horrid of circumstances.

As someone who has always been interested in World Affairs, I had heard of the Rwanadan Genocide before, but never in this context. The information that I got from CNN was all numbers, fact sheets, and statistics that rub you in all the wrong places. This book is about survival and the human connection. You don't have to believe in God; all you need to believe in is determination and the drive to continue when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

I found myself recommending this book last night, after meeting the First Lady and ambassador to Ghana. Their determination and faith made me remember "Left To Tell." I had to recommend this book. It's also why I'm just now doing a review years after I've read it.



View all my reviews

Wishy washy

If there's one thing that upsets me, it's when someone says something but does another. You say you miss me, but you don't make the effort. Just when I was steady getting along, being among the ones who love me, you decide to erode the balance I was trying to create. Yes, we both have mutual feelings of sentimental bliss for each other, but if the effort is one-sided, there's no point. Now, is there?

Summer Concert Starter

Last night I went to Hot Jam 10 and saw J. Cole & Lupe Fiasco. I rarely use exclamation marks, but lawd(!!!). I was so hyped last night, especially, considering the fact that I had floor seats. Man, last night was great. What was even better was the company of my three friends and my cousin. It was lovely really. J. Cole opened the show and I thought I was going to go bonkers. I was going bonkers at J. Cole's performance, but I was just nuts at Lupe's act. And if that wasn't enough, the line up was jam packed: Big Sean, Jeremih, Juelz Santana, Trey Songz, DJ Khaled, New Boyz, Fabolous, Ace Hood & Jim Jones. Not all the performers were my usual listening line up, but I was there to have a good time; No pretentious "conscious Hip-Hop lover" badge on. Last night really made up for my lackluster and horrid birthday a couple weeks back, so I'm looking forward for what this summer has in store for me.

Summer Teaser

Sun beamin', skin glowin'

Gil Scott-Heron

Gil Scott-Heron
Rest in Peace is truly a morbid formality, so I'll just say, live on through us.

I was blessed to be introduced to this fine fellow three years ago by my boss who was really into Hip-Hop and Jazz. Gil had a style of his own, a definitive, revolutionary style.

Continue in light.

Despite of everything I have been trying to exercise patience, strength, and gratefulness. And believe me, I have. How can everything be going right but oh so wrong at the same time. The days leading up to my birthday and the actual day of my birthday was the worst day of the year thus far. I'm working hard. I'm trying to enlighten myself and be a good person, but I feel so unappreciated. I'm usually never the woe is me type, but I can't even shake this. I've been trying to even out my highs and my lows, but everytime I'm high, something comes and shatters the optimism I've been trying to construct. And God knows that I'm grateful for all the good things that have been happening to me, and all the opportunities that I've been presented. I'm just praying for strength and clarity because I feel weak both physically and emotionally. I've been tested so many times these past months that I feel drained I just don't know. I hope this can be a motivating time for me. This school year is almost over and I'm praying that I'll be lifted out of my distress and finish it off.

I hate street harassment and the fact that I was followed tonight is really getting to my soul.

Update

I start my internship on Wednesday. It turns out that our training was extended for some logistical matters, but things turned out okay. Interviewed on Friday, and got word today that I start Wednesday. I’ve been so fortunate to have had all paid internships in the past, so I’m really happy that this is one of them. The experience is great, but the money is just Parmesan cheese on my pizza (yeah, I went there.)
While I was at the keep America Beautiful Cleanup a couple weeks ago, one of the organizer’s husband approached me about an internship. I’m currently staying up-to-date on that one too. I have guaranteed work for the spring, summer, and this new opportunity.

Last Thursday, my friend and I were asked to participate in a round table with Senator Blumenthal (One of CT’s senators), with a focus on reinstating previous effective labor laws, and job readiness programs. I was really honored that I was one of the two chosen to speak on behalf of my peers.

I’m doing the makeup for a theatrical rendition of Monster by Walter Dean Myers. It’s not a glamorous story, so no sparkles. More like, making someone look pale, sickly, inserting a mole, a scar - that sort of thing.

I’m actually sticking to this exercising thing. At first my body was like, “girl, sitchoo ass down and have a twinkie,” (never had one, and don’t plan on it) but I started getting into it again. I play Tennis every chance I get. It’s so sad to see no one using those new courts. They are so…new…and beautiful.

My birthday is coming up, and I dunno, I’m excited. It’s different this time, a good different.

I haven’t always been as aggressive as I should’ve been when opportunities were presented, but I’m truly grateful that I’m able to take advantage of what has been given. I don’t think they could’ve come at a better time.

Peace

Peace to everything
No, not a goodbye
More of an amends
Peace to all the feelings of inadequacy
Utter confusion, and white noise
Time eludes us all, and I don't have much time to..worry
It's always the right time to...live
No, the time is not tomorrow
It's now
No laying on the pillow 'till morning, waiting for the cold side to caress cheekbones
Be still, peace

Scrafs, scarfs, and more scarfs

I really do love scarfs. Especilly scarfs used as head wraps, and muslins. I just love loose fabrics on me. I'm actually looking for lightweight summer-y fabrics.

Thrifting

Earlier, I went thirfting for the first time. I didn't get a lot of things, but what I did buy is lovely. I think what you have to remember when you go thirfting is not to expect too much. I had high expectations. I was a slightly disappointed when I didn't find anything at the first location except a lovely necklace. The second place I found a cool medallion and a lavender cardigan. And the third place, nada. A lot of what I saw looked old, and not the vintage old. There was nothing that I would wear, and if I had any interest in it, it was too small. I'm trying to see if there's any other stores in my area that is geared towards younger people.

So it wasn't a complete disappointment. What I did buy, I like. I wish I could upload pictures, but my laptop doesn't connect to my wireless and you can't upload on an iPad.

Lace DIY

Two days ago, I had a little DIY fun. I bought the black lace top a couple weeks ago, but I put it in the dryer and it shrunk. I didn't want to just leave it in my closet collecting dust, so I decided to attach it to my lace-backed cardigan. It involved a lot of cutting, and measuring, and whatnot. After I took this picture, I realized that I needed to loosen a stitch. And a new camera. My webcam has been through so much, lol. My paid internship is near. Nice things will be mine again.

Where To?

A couple days ago I had a small frenzy attack about the future. I won't call it a panic attack, because it was more of a million things going through my mind. I feel as if educators, family, and friends force us to pick one career interest, focus on it, and block everything else out. That will probably work if you're only interested in one thing, or don't know what you like. Well, it's different for me. I know what I want, and my interests scope a lot of things. I like Journalism. I've been liking Journalism forever, and I used to watch CNN and Christiane Amanpour religiously. I have deep interests in world events and that's the driving force in me wanting to be an International Correspondent. But, the things is, I like cooking, I'm currently focused on law, writing, I like creating things, and I like makeup, among so many other things. Yes, there is an hierarchy when it come to my interests, but I enjoy all these things.

Over the past few months, I feel like others have been trying to say you have to choose. A kinda this or that type of thing. While I know it is hectic to try and do a million things at once. But I don't want to throw anything aside.

What I am going to do now is, be focused and motivated. Be focused on school. Trying to get myself in different circles. Meet new people. And have different experiences. School is definitely annoying but I need it to get me where I want to be.

"Winter Surf"

This is the color that I painted my room. I was inspired by China Glaze's "For Audrey". Initially, I was going to get a color closer to "For Audrey", but after bringing that color and a similar turquoise one, I decided on "Winter Surf". I like the outcome, a lot. My brother took this awkward picture soon after I'd finished painting. My eyes are closed, and I feel like my legs were going to buckle from being on my feet for so long lol.

Anyway, I've decided to redecorate my room step by step, rather than everything at once. One, I don't have the money to, and two, rearranging furniture is tiring. But, I do love this TLC type stuff. It's so fun! I can't wait until I get more frames for the artwork.

So, I was definitely being a punk. I stopped using the make up I was using, and washed my face with my homemade concoction and a cocunot milk face wash that's from the Vitamin Shoppe. My skin is TONS clearer, and smoother. I think is was those couple times I slept with my make up on plus the peeling skin that just didn't work together.

I'm actually smiling at myself that I was really about to go to the dermatologist. Wow, talk about dramatic.

I don't even know where to start...
A couple weeks ago I noticed that my skin started breaking out. I've never had flawless skin, but the most skin issue I've ever had is a pimple here and there. People complimented me on my skin saying it's radiant and has a natural glow. However, I think it was about two to four weeks ago that I noticed that my cheeks started getting blotchy and kind of rash-looking. It's only my cheeks and my right cheek is the more affected one.

I have no idea what the cause of this break out is. I've never had anything like it. I don't know if it's a skin irritation problem, stress, a product, or something completely different. I started using a very light sensitive skin foundation, which I barely use, and I've concluded that it's not the problem because the irritation started before it. However, I've stopped using the foundation. I'm also a new vegetarian, so I don't know if it has something to do with my lessened protein intake, or something related. I hope it isn't because it would just give my mother more ammo for combatting my "lifestyle".

This morning I woke up to see my face looking extremely dry and rough. Maybe this was completely shallow, but I panicked and started researching natural remedies immediately. I mixed sugar, lemon, coffee grinds, pure olive oil in a bowl and used about a tablespoon to exfoliate my face. It worked. My face was feeling softer and looking fresh after.

Right now my ckeeks are still looking rash-like. I can see the smooth portion of skin peeling away. I always wash my face with something mild, so once again it's not lack of face-washing. Maybe it's because of one of those nights that I forgot to take my make up off properly. Whatever the case, if it continues for another two or so days, I'm going to the dermatologist.

I don't know. Maybe I'm being really shallow for being so dramatic. But, I have to say it has been gradual, and I kind of ignored it. Maybe it doesn't seem like a big deal to others, but I notice it. I've always said that beauty is indeed skin deep, and I think this is the time for me to believe it more than ever before. I feel like God is testing me. Physically, I've never really been taken out of my comfort zone. I have to remain confident. This isn't life-altering, so I should probably stop being a punk and chill out. If this is a test, I'm ready. No make up.

Once again, I'm waiting for my nails to dry. I've decided to finally turn my room into an art gallery. I've been meaning to for awhile now. I'm working on my creative writing. Looking for inspiration - whether it's fashion, writing, poetry, visual art, cooking, anything. The snow has melted, so my spirits are definitely up. I regained momentum again for my "toning plan". I'm going to go to Zumba classes more and start jogging again now that we actually have sidewalks. I'm just ready for my internship to start. Things are going good, and I'm hoping that it continues to be as positive and uplifting as it has been.

This is the skirt that I took a picture of while I was in the dressing room. I sometimes send a picture to my friend to get her opinion because she's the fashionista, lol.

http://plixi.com/p/78696471#

One-winged Social Butterfly

One of my self-improvement goals was to be more social. I have no problem going to law offices and talking to different officials, because it's almost mandatory due to my school, but when it comes to socializing with my friends, it feels like so much work.

I have no problem being in a social setting. I converse easily, and don't mind being around a large group of people. I think my problem is the time leading up to the social gathering. I'll be home comfortable, relaxed, and it just seems like so much work getting dressed, confirming plans, and finally executing it. I don't know about other people's friends, but my friends are terribly indecisive. The time I spend trying to get a clear answer on time, location, and dress code is just tiring. After going through all of that, I don't want to go out anymore.

They say if you really want to go somewhere, then you'll go. I don't know. Maybe my love for solitude is preventing me from being social. Or maybe I'm so tired on the weekends that I've convinced myself to just be an herb. Whatver it is, I'm trying to snap out of it. I'm not trying to have events define me, but I'd hate to look back five years from now, and see that I did nothing but read, eat, sleep, and interacted only when it was necessary. I should enjoy my friends and have memorable moments connected with them. I'm just thinking about how I bought an outfit for a local university fashion show last week, and now I have the perfect pencil skirt with the lace detailing on the belt, that is now unworn.

It's past time I snap out of it.

My heart is heavy tonight...

Heavy for the people in Libya, the rest of Africa and the Arab world. I've never felt so many emotions in one day, ever. I felt happiness for my six month natural anniversary, but also sadness. Sadness, for my brothers and sisters who are being killed just because they want a better life. I feel like I need to pray deeply about this, and I will.

May God, Allah, the various Hindu gods, the teachings of the Buddha, and all manifestations of good in this life keep these people. And if you believe in nothing, just channel your well wishes to your brothers and sisters.

First time wearing foundation....

This is my first time wearing foundation out. I've tried on foundation before, but always removed it immediately afterwards. I remember when I wanted the Make UP Forever HD foundation. I went to Sephora, applied it. It was lightweight and breathable but I didn't get it in the end. And of course, I had some experiments before that, but I never wore it for an extended period of time.

It's kind of weird, too. I love eyeshadows and eyeliner and lip colors, but I always shied away from foundation. Anyway, my sister-in-law is having birthday party for my brother so I'm going to wear it later.

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Today was the first day of the Model UN debates. I'm a part of my chapter's club, and we debated world affairs issues relating to humanitarian, economic, and politocal happenings. I'm saying this to say this: I'm starting to find that a lot of youths are now taking part in advocating, educating themselves, and realizing the importance of what happens around us on the global scale. With the revolution in Egypt, the protesting, and the unprecedented acts of solidarity, we saw the youth really stand up for their interests.

I hope that the acts of the Egyptian people will be an inspiration for people who live in oppressed countries, and democratic states to really get together and realize we are all connected. The examples of unity that I've seen from the Egyptian people and the people around me has truly been an inspiration.

With that being said, I'm taking a little mini break from social media for a little. Jut to clear my mind, and think about things. I rarely update this blog, but I frequent a few social networking sites that I usually purposefully abstain from using to test my willpower. I may update use this site to document things, though.

WDYWT

So, like I promised myself, I went to church today. I missed everyone and they were happy to see me, so I'm actually gong to be hanging out with a few members on Friday. Progress, it's lovely.

Rambling

- I want to get into doing make up again but I don't have a camera, so that seems pointless to me. I had the money to get one awhile ago but, as always, I prioritized and decided it could wait.
- I guess you can say I'm going through my "fuck school" phase right now. I'm not a bad student nor do I hate school, I'm just really annoyed by all the unnecessary things I have to cover that are unrelated to my interests.
- It's a funny thing when you realize you're turning into the opposite of what you imagined as a little girl. I've turned into the tofu eating-natural hair wearing-extra conscious-peace and blessings to all kinda girl, and I couldn't have it any other way. I'm really starting to realize that everyone is not going to like the positive changes you make it in your life, but as long as you see growth in yourself, people's opinions will always be secondary.
- I'm trying to make a conscious effort to detox myself from a lot of the things I've grown accustomed to. For example, I want to curse less. Try different kinds of foods, incorporate more blazer and boots into my wardrobe, you know, trying to change it up.
- I haven't been to church in awhile. I could blame it all on the snow that's been falling over the weekends, but that'd be a lie. Honestly, I don't know where I stand right now spiritually, but I'm going to make an effort. So, I'm going to church tomorrow.
- Lately, I've been having a lot to write about, but I've been really lazy when it comes to writing. I just feel drained, like I've said all of this before. Again, I'm going to make an effort to write more frequently on here.
- I'm actually going to cut this list short. I'm tired. I finished The Five People You Meet in Heaven earlier. It was a good read, a lot of quotables. I'm typing this so my nude nail polish will finish drying.

Potential To Love

On the surface, a lot of people might think I thrive off logic and bluntness. However, I'm a really spontaneous, romantic. Although I think everyone should be self-sufficient, I think it's a beautiful think to get to know someone, and later form a bond with them. It's different when you're getting to know a platonic friend, but when it's someone you're attracted to, it's completely different. I love texting throughout the night, I smile when I receive cute texts, I get butterflies and all the cute things you dreamt about when you were a little girl.

Someone once told me: "I didn't know you could be so lovable." That comment always stuck with me. I sometimes feel like people don't see us in our entirety, so assumptions are made. Even then, all the affection I was giving out wasn't to my full potential. I have so much to give to whoever is willing to form a bond based on respect, mutual interest, and affection. I have never been in love, but I have been in intense like. Sometimes, I smile at the thought of how it will be when I find out I'm in love. I'm such an intense person. I imagine everything will be ampilified: taste, smells, vision, anger, everything.

A lot of times I see women trying to come off strong as steel. There's nothing wrong with being weak in love. Some barriers are needed but we shouldn't close ourselves off, leaving us void when the right person comes along. When you find someone who compliments you, love wholeheartedly. Put down all your defenses, and discover your potential.