Potential To Love

On the surface, a lot of people might think I thrive off logic and bluntness. However, I'm a really spontaneous, romantic. Although I think everyone should be self-sufficient, I think it's a beautiful think to get to know someone, and later form a bond with them. It's different when you're getting to know a platonic friend, but when it's someone you're attracted to, it's completely different. I love texting throughout the night, I smile when I receive cute texts, I get butterflies and all the cute things you dreamt about when you were a little girl.

Someone once told me: "I didn't know you could be so lovable." That comment always stuck with me. I sometimes feel like people don't see us in our entirety, so assumptions are made. Even then, all the affection I was giving out wasn't to my full potential. I have so much to give to whoever is willing to form a bond based on respect, mutual interest, and affection. I have never been in love, but I have been in intense like. Sometimes, I smile at the thought of how it will be when I find out I'm in love. I'm such an intense person. I imagine everything will be ampilified: taste, smells, vision, anger, everything.

A lot of times I see women trying to come off strong as steel. There's nothing wrong with being weak in love. Some barriers are needed but we shouldn't close ourselves off, leaving us void when the right person comes along. When you find someone who compliments you, love wholeheartedly. Put down all your defenses, and discover your potential.

Mini Rant - Mall Shopping

I recently went to the mall to get more winter clothing, and it was a big disappointment. Honestly, I don't buy a large amount of clothing at the mall. I feel like stores that sell designer brands for sell, are better when you're buying more than one piece. Nevertheless, I went to the mall about a week ago to find some winter essentials. I was very disappointed, all I left with were two pairs of jeans. I've recently lost a substantial amount of weight, and I was excited to buy new clothes that would compliment my smaller self.

I went to all the stores that are usually a starting point for everyone: Macy's, H&M, Forever 21, and JCPenney. After being in the hot, humid Macy's for about an hour and a half I got frustrated. Here was the biggest department store in the whole United States, and I couldn't find anything. It wasn't even a matter of my size; I searched through the clothing in all the various sizes, and everything looked so drab and lifeless. There was barely anything with structure, and the material was just disheartening. After looking for a while, I left Macy's with two very nice pairs of Jeans; Everyone needs jeans in their wardrobe. But, what are you going to pair jeans with when you have no tops?

I didn't have better luck in any one the stores listed above. But, the store that disappointed me the most is, H&M. I mean, that's always my go to place, but that day, everything looked like pieces of rags. I tried to find something that could be versatile but that was a failure. I know, nowadays, a lot of people like online shopping, but I like the physical shopping experience. I like slipping on the clothes, feeling the fabric on my skin, and my feet crying in agony after a long day of browsing. There's that missing component in online shopping.

I think I'm going to stick to stores like Marshalls and outlets from now on. Marshalls is especially good for finding nice pieces for a good price. When I think of it, the clothing offered in Marshalls is way better than the selection I see in the mall. I think, as of late, the mall is just a lot of hype and is used as a marketing ploy, rather than a place where you can actually shop.

Exposed Zipper

I'm looking through past outfits I've worn, and I noticed I never posted this. I wore this in the summer, and I really enjoyed it. It was nice and sexy. I loved the exposed zipper and the nice kind of tribal designs. It had that kind of rustic look, but yet very feminine. I paired it with a pair of black studded flats. I'm wearing no make-up here, it was beyond hot, and make up and heat doesn't mix too well.

Summertime

I miss you with a fierceness that cannot be explained. I miss having conversations for a whole day. I miss getting a couple hours of sleep between 1-3 a.m., seeing his text message(s) and texting him to see if he was still up, and then going back to sleep stubbornly. I miss waking up for work at 6:45 a.m. and having all the energy in the world. I miss older women asking me for fashion advice in the skinny jeans section of the store. I miss smiling all the time and having people ask about me because of it. I miss chillin’ on my roof for hours, eyes low, the sun burning my skin, and sweat forming at the crease where my arm meets my forearm. I miss the sun illuminating my legs for the first time; finding beauty marks I never knew existed. I miss meeting new people. I miss lunches at P. F. Chang’s with my homegirl. I miss having conversations with her where I would trade breasts with her in return for some “Ms Fat Booty” ass. I miss going for jogs in the historic neighborhood. I miss feeling the beat of music pulsating through my temples. I miss being in Jamaica and talking to all the people I grew up with. I miss the trees, air, food, attitude, beaches, weed tea, beauty, and most of all, my family.

Dear Summer, you were so good to me. I feel like I haven’t properly addressed you yet. I miss you because it was the first time my mental age was reflected through my physical self. I learned that it was okay to get into some shenanigans. It was the first time I truly lived. I pushed buttons, and almost crossed the line, but I won’t take any of it back because that’s when I was happiest. And now, it’s cold. December winds and rain don’t conjure up the same sentiments I had for you, Summer. And I’m left asking myself: Am I the only one who feels this way? Your ultraviolet rays did something to me.

Dear Summer, I miss you, you’re coming back, right?

What Now

I think I've neglected this blog long enough. I mean, during the Spring and weeks leading up to Summer, I had so much inspiration, but now, I'm camera-less and I don't really know what to do with this blog. As of late, there has been a lot of venting, but I don't want this to be a place to discard all the bad stuff. I dislike being unhappy, because so much of my time is spent being optimistic, so I feel like sadness defeats the purpose of being happy.

Anyway, I never really meant for this to be solely a beauty blog. It just so happened that at the time I was really into fashion and make up, I still am, but now to a lesser degree. I started this blog to share things I like, document thoughts, and just talk about day-to-day things, mostly for future reference. I want to look back and see growth in myself: spiritually, emotionally, physically. Some wonderful things have been happening to me as of late, but unfortunately, the bad moments have overshadowed those things. It's time to start sharing and talking about them.

In the mean time, I'm going to do a make up tutorial this weekend. If you look at the first page of my blog, you see some make up looks. I think they are easy, and I use products that are a affordable. A few of them might be a little pricey, but they are good. I'm not sure how the tutorial itself will go, because I don't have one of those fancy $900 cameras (I'm going to use my webcam), but I hope, with good lighting, it will turn out decent.

I'm back, guys. Hello. What did I miss?

I just need to write something...
There is so much frustration in me right now. I feel like I'm going to burst. I do so much for people around me, but my actions are never appreciated or reciprocated. My mother is the one who is quick to say I'm selfish and self-centered, but I'm the one who is keeping everything together! I help her with her finances, I babysit, I clean, I sacrifice my time for self for her and the family but I'm always the bad guy. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it. But, I'm always trying to find ways to keep things together. Every time I say I'm done, guilt always bring me back. I don't know when to quit because I'm working with people who cause me so much pain, but we have that blood tie.

I'm tired for being blamed for things that have nothing to do with me. Anytime I need something, it's always a problem. The smallest things turn into an argument. If I'm standing a certain way it's a problem, if my facial expression is a certain way it's a problem. Everything is a problem. I'm tired of being sick and tired. I work, I get good grades, I haven't done anything to dishonor the name of my family. I haven't given them any reason to not be proud of me. Yet, the things I do go unappreciated.

Like right now, my mom just had one of her fits, and her anger wasn't directedt to the person who should have got it, instead, I get all of it.

Sometimes I just want to leave and not come back. I try so hard to remain positive and optimistic, but what's the good in trying so hard to improve things with people who are so uncaring.

Deep Blue Sea

I did this look before, a while ago actually, but during the summer I made some changes to it. I used my Urban Decay Primer Potion, which really the best primer out for basing the eyelids when using bright colors. I like this one better than the first time. Plus, the lighting is better than last time.

*I'm wearing two different tank tops because I couldn't decide which one to wear that day. I'm so indecisive.